Odd question, eh!
Let me explain my point. Since July 2008, I defined myself as as a man with stage 4 colon cancer stage 4. Even once in a conversation with the social worker, I made a freudian slip, I said I am a colon cancer. She replied by saying you have cancer, you are not a cancer. Of course that's what I meant but the slip made me think for a moment on how I perceived my illness.
So, I said that I saw myself for a year as a man with a diagnosis of colon cancer. Except that since June 3, there is no visible trace of cancer and my markers are in the normal range. Do I still define myself the same way. Instead, I want to see the positive side. I could define myself as a survivor. The survival period is not very long but still.
I talked to my mentor (Barry). He suggested that i say that I am NED, which he uses for himself. NED means No Evidence of Disease and in his case it's been about 7 years. Talking to Barry is always comforting, I think it's appropriate to say that I have been NED for 2 months. It's similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, they count the number of days of sobriety. Also there is something in the act of saying "no evidence of disease" which puts a smile on my face.
Some of you will say it's simple you're Martin Raymond. But you see this is not the same Martin as before the disease. Cancer changes you and like it or not it is part of me now (without evidence or present). So to define myself simply as Martin seems incomplete, not very precise. This is not a question of wanting to feel sorry or attract pity, I think it's just who I really am a cancer survivor NED since 2 months. Have you ever asked the question, Who are you? ... What is the answer? You are welcome to share your thoughts with me via email (more private) or via comments on the blog.
Santé!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Follow-up appointment in surgery
Met Dr. S. today to follow up on the surgery. The surgeon found I was top shape considering the time elapsed. Her comment was "you had to be a great athlete before the operation to recover at this speed." ;-)
Great athlete I don't know but she was nice. She said that normally after 6 weeks they expect to see patients who walk slowly, sit up slowly, speaks slowly. She felt I stood very straight (posture) with a near normal walk and a normal speaking rate. To all my questions on weight loss, the amount of faeces per day etc.. she replied "normal".
According to her, there will be another month like this and then it should start to return to normal. I told her that I did not think I was in good shape. When I mentioned my walks at 3Km / h, she said that's fast. When I told her that I played golf on the WII (Woods 2010) and that I regretted it cause I spend the afternoon aching. She forbided me to play for another month. No muscular effort before another month (walking is good). Such an appointment helps to put things in perspective. It serves as a milestone. She boosted my morale for sure.
Santé!
Great athlete I don't know but she was nice. She said that normally after 6 weeks they expect to see patients who walk slowly, sit up slowly, speaks slowly. She felt I stood very straight (posture) with a near normal walk and a normal speaking rate. To all my questions on weight loss, the amount of faeces per day etc.. she replied "normal".
According to her, there will be another month like this and then it should start to return to normal. I told her that I did not think I was in good shape. When I mentioned my walks at 3Km / h, she said that's fast. When I told her that I played golf on the WII (Woods 2010) and that I regretted it cause I spend the afternoon aching. She forbided me to play for another month. No muscular effort before another month (walking is good). Such an appointment helps to put things in perspective. It serves as a milestone. She boosted my morale for sure.
Santé!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
We'll get there!
Lately I think I just forget who I am and my core principles. In the last month I was waiting for my energy to come back to feel good. It's as if I told myself when I have the energy I will make plans, smile, get involved.
This morning I listened to a recording of Dr. Simonton provided by my wife's doctor. This recording reminded me that the healing process is opposite to the one I was living recently. That is to say that this is not the body that dictates the level of energy of your spirit, but the opposite. I temporarily forgot that what my thoughts defined how I feel. I had an awakening, a kind of "Ha Ha" moment. This is not instantaneous but I did set a new foundation for my healing, some new thoughts.
I have no excuses for this but I realize now that I dreaded my first appointment post surgery with my hematologist Dr. L. I realized that I had mixed emotions. I was happy to see him because he always gives me confidence but I did not want to disappoint him by admitting that I was not ready for a round of chemo. At the same time I was afraid he would tell me it had to be done now. But Dr. L is a great doctor. I did not feel any pressure. I felt great compassion and from the beginning I felt that we were a team.
He told me the level of my markers: 3. He said it was excellent the lowest level since the beginning. He was happy with the situation except that I lose a lot of weight. He suggested I meet with the nutritionist to establish a plan. I have an appointment next Monday. I will see DR L. in two weeks to reassess the possibility of starting chemotherapy.
A former classmate of MJ has a brother who was diagnosed with brain cancer. He is followed by the same hematologist than me (coincidence?). This classmate told him about me because she follows my situation through facebook and my blog. Her brother said that my story inspired him and gave him hope. As he is hospitalized, MJ and I went to visit him yesterday. Even though I was not a portrait of energy, I wanted to tell him in person not to quit and keep the faith.
Today he is going for brain surgery. I prayed for him all night without being able to stop it's as if we had a cosmic connection. My mind was constantly thinking about him and praying. At the point where I did not get to sleep. I made up for it this morning sleeping from 10am to noon. I tell you this story because yesterday's visit put things in perspective for me.
Thank you again for all your support on facebook on the blog or in my email.
Santé!
This morning I listened to a recording of Dr. Simonton provided by my wife's doctor. This recording reminded me that the healing process is opposite to the one I was living recently. That is to say that this is not the body that dictates the level of energy of your spirit, but the opposite. I temporarily forgot that what my thoughts defined how I feel. I had an awakening, a kind of "Ha Ha" moment. This is not instantaneous but I did set a new foundation for my healing, some new thoughts.
I have no excuses for this but I realize now that I dreaded my first appointment post surgery with my hematologist Dr. L. I realized that I had mixed emotions. I was happy to see him because he always gives me confidence but I did not want to disappoint him by admitting that I was not ready for a round of chemo. At the same time I was afraid he would tell me it had to be done now. But Dr. L is a great doctor. I did not feel any pressure. I felt great compassion and from the beginning I felt that we were a team.
He told me the level of my markers: 3. He said it was excellent the lowest level since the beginning. He was happy with the situation except that I lose a lot of weight. He suggested I meet with the nutritionist to establish a plan. I have an appointment next Monday. I will see DR L. in two weeks to reassess the possibility of starting chemotherapy.
A former classmate of MJ has a brother who was diagnosed with brain cancer. He is followed by the same hematologist than me (coincidence?). This classmate told him about me because she follows my situation through facebook and my blog. Her brother said that my story inspired him and gave him hope. As he is hospitalized, MJ and I went to visit him yesterday. Even though I was not a portrait of energy, I wanted to tell him in person not to quit and keep the faith.
Today he is going for brain surgery. I prayed for him all night without being able to stop it's as if we had a cosmic connection. My mind was constantly thinking about him and praying. At the point where I did not get to sleep. I made up for it this morning sleeping from 10am to noon. I tell you this story because yesterday's visit put things in perspective for me.
Thank you again for all your support on facebook on the blog or in my email.
Santé!
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Patience is a virtue
I thought I was a patient guy, I am not so sure these days. The days are redundant, the same TV shows, the toilet routine, the medication. Always looking for a position: sitting on the sofa, lying on the bed, sitting on the bed with my legs crossed, yoga position (the child) with cushions under the belly. When my mind feels combative I get on the treadmill, 10 minutes @ 3 km / h, then I lie down on the bed again.
Although I eat my three meals a day, the quantities are small so I am now at 153 lbs. The lowest weight since my teen years. The good thing about it is that I can rebuild my body and I am sure that I will never return to what I looked like before cancer. It's been a month of convalescence, I was told it would take about three. I believe another month I'll be back to my normal energy level. Time will tell me.
See Ya!
Although I eat my three meals a day, the quantities are small so I am now at 153 lbs. The lowest weight since my teen years. The good thing about it is that I can rebuild my body and I am sure that I will never return to what I looked like before cancer. It's been a month of convalescence, I was told it would take about three. I believe another month I'll be back to my normal energy level. Time will tell me.
See Ya!
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