It's Not Fair

MJ recently told me with great emotion that it was not fair that our children have to live with the cancer of a parent. I immediately played it down by saying that this would make them even more able to listen to others, they will get mature faster, that it is a test of character.

Yesterday we went skiing. It was the 4th day post chemotherapy # 11. I felt better than I would have thought. I contributed to the preparation and I even drove all the way up. We arrived at Mount Habitant and we were on the slopes at noon. The cold didn't seem to affect me too much. I made two runs and we took a break. Lunch, rest and restroom ... I did not return. The energy had left my body like thief, quickly without warning. Marie-Josée returned on the slopes with the three children. Meanwhile, I took off my boots, put the equipment in the van and fell asleep in the front seat. I was awakened by a call on my cell phone. It was MJ but I did not respond in time. So I got out of the van and went towards the lift. I saw Josée going to the bathroom with Élodie. The two boys went for a run on their own. I felt horrible when I realized that I could not help my wife to handle the children, ouch! Marie-Josée despite my insistence tok care of Élodie's needs. I went back in the car. I did not go back to sleep but I rested enough to the point where I felt my energy replenished. So I participated in packing up the equipment at the end of the day of skiing: 15:40.
In less than three hours of skiing, the family managed to do 7 runs (even 8 for Tristan who made a solo run). Then I insisted on taking the wheel even if my wife offered to take it. Although it felt essential to have a coffee at Tim's in St-Sauveur. Despite the caffeine, my wife watching me, begged me to let her drive. I finally agreed when we got to Mirabel, where as soon as I sat on the passenger seat, I fell asleep like a child. I woke up in the Costco parking in Boisbriand when my wife and my oldest emptied the shopping cart. I had been sleeping for 45 minutes. My wife was smiling and my oldest was just as excited to be the man of the family.

This is where I cracked.
I started to cry and I said to my wife, it's not fair ...
MJ surprised, wondered what's wrong? It's not fair that my children have to live with my cancer. It's not fair that my kids have to grow old so quickly.

Tristan continued to act as a man when we arrived home. He emptied the van with his mother, he got wood inside for the fireplace and he did everything with a smile and the strength of a young man. Remember he is 11 years old, not 13, not 15, eleven years old. Jordan, my 9 year old son, pitched in by starting the fire. Emotions are mixed in a period like that. I am proud to have children like mine, but at the same time, I felt like half a man. Unable to help. My wife has to bear a huge burden because of cancer. A life that we were strolling through with two active adults in full possession of their means, it is quite another thing when it becomes 1 and a quarter of an adult. The division of labor is not equal, MJ is now taking 1 and 3 / 4 of the responsibilities while I take a mere 1 / 4. Worse, in my days post-chemo, I do nothing and I become a burden.

This is not fair.

It's crazy because justice has always been close to my heart. Most of the quarrels of my life have been because of injustice (perceived or real). Hockey, soccer, referees and players were yelled at in the name of justice or fairness. Finally, we say that cancer gives lessons that we must listen to and understand. It's hard but I try to be attentive. In this case I think someone is trying to make me understand that being too proud pride is not a good thing. Also, it is necessary that I learned to live temporarily with limitations due to my treatment and accept help from others even when others are my wife and children. I cried a bunch yesterday, I was probably due ... or I was weak because of my treatments (wink ;-) I'd have other things to say but I'd feel redundant so have a great day!