Just a quick note to say that I am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. Even if the situation (south of the navel) is not quite perfect, it is improving slowly. Chemo interferes a little in the restoration of optimal intestinal function but I know it's temporary. Speaking of chemo, I received my third treatment post-surgery. I will be disconnected in about an hour.
Dr. L had to hear me cry a little. I confessed that I sometimes fear the return of the cancer. He listened with empathy and comforted me on the fact that fear is normal and it was healthy to express it. Yes, there are those days where I am really scared. On these days I am even afraid to say that the cancer is gone in case it would hear and decides to return. This is silly.
That's the ups and downs of living with cancer. Even if I want to be strong there are days when it's harder. Don't worry though these moments never lasts long.
Dr. L told me when we talked about the surgery and my recovery and chemo treatments: you are strong. This is the first time he told me that. I was flattered. I know many of you tell me the same thing but for me it's like a pat on the back at work, you always want more.
I'm going to see Dr. Y in September. I look forward to that appointment. I look forward to when I can start doing real exercises. I look forward to his "thumbs up".
We went camping in August. A few days in a tent and the following week in an RV (Class C). The tent was hard. It was the week following chemo and it rained a lot. Two conditions that do not help enjoy the experience. The week in RV has been fantastic. A whole new camping experience. If you want to see the pictures you can click here http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2027702&id=1057565304&l=3ad6134168 . This is MJ's facebook album for summer 2009 (158 photos).
Finally, I leave you by saying that Tristan started school. It is his second day today. Yesterday the bus dropped him home at 17:50. They had left school at 16:45. It seems that the traffic was terrible. We hoped that there will be adjustments to the route. Jordan and Elodie start Monday. Both are very excited.
Good day to all!
Friday, August 28, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Who Am I?
Odd question, eh!
Let me explain my point. Since July 2008, I defined myself as as a man with stage 4 colon cancer stage 4. Even once in a conversation with the social worker, I made a freudian slip, I said I am a colon cancer. She replied by saying you have cancer, you are not a cancer. Of course that's what I meant but the slip made me think for a moment on how I perceived my illness.
So, I said that I saw myself for a year as a man with a diagnosis of colon cancer. Except that since June 3, there is no visible trace of cancer and my markers are in the normal range. Do I still define myself the same way. Instead, I want to see the positive side. I could define myself as a survivor. The survival period is not very long but still.
I talked to my mentor (Barry). He suggested that i say that I am NED, which he uses for himself. NED means No Evidence of Disease and in his case it's been about 7 years. Talking to Barry is always comforting, I think it's appropriate to say that I have been NED for 2 months. It's similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, they count the number of days of sobriety. Also there is something in the act of saying "no evidence of disease" which puts a smile on my face.
Some of you will say it's simple you're Martin Raymond. But you see this is not the same Martin as before the disease. Cancer changes you and like it or not it is part of me now (without evidence or present). So to define myself simply as Martin seems incomplete, not very precise. This is not a question of wanting to feel sorry or attract pity, I think it's just who I really am a cancer survivor NED since 2 months. Have you ever asked the question, Who are you? ... What is the answer? You are welcome to share your thoughts with me via email (more private) or via comments on the blog.
Santé!
Let me explain my point. Since July 2008, I defined myself as as a man with stage 4 colon cancer stage 4. Even once in a conversation with the social worker, I made a freudian slip, I said I am a colon cancer. She replied by saying you have cancer, you are not a cancer. Of course that's what I meant but the slip made me think for a moment on how I perceived my illness.
So, I said that I saw myself for a year as a man with a diagnosis of colon cancer. Except that since June 3, there is no visible trace of cancer and my markers are in the normal range. Do I still define myself the same way. Instead, I want to see the positive side. I could define myself as a survivor. The survival period is not very long but still.
I talked to my mentor (Barry). He suggested that i say that I am NED, which he uses for himself. NED means No Evidence of Disease and in his case it's been about 7 years. Talking to Barry is always comforting, I think it's appropriate to say that I have been NED for 2 months. It's similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, they count the number of days of sobriety. Also there is something in the act of saying "no evidence of disease" which puts a smile on my face.
Some of you will say it's simple you're Martin Raymond. But you see this is not the same Martin as before the disease. Cancer changes you and like it or not it is part of me now (without evidence or present). So to define myself simply as Martin seems incomplete, not very precise. This is not a question of wanting to feel sorry or attract pity, I think it's just who I really am a cancer survivor NED since 2 months. Have you ever asked the question, Who are you? ... What is the answer? You are welcome to share your thoughts with me via email (more private) or via comments on the blog.
Santé!
Friday, July 10, 2009
Follow-up appointment in surgery
Met Dr. S. today to follow up on the surgery. The surgeon found I was top shape considering the time elapsed. Her comment was "you had to be a great athlete before the operation to recover at this speed." ;-)
Great athlete I don't know but she was nice. She said that normally after 6 weeks they expect to see patients who walk slowly, sit up slowly, speaks slowly. She felt I stood very straight (posture) with a near normal walk and a normal speaking rate. To all my questions on weight loss, the amount of faeces per day etc.. she replied "normal".
According to her, there will be another month like this and then it should start to return to normal. I told her that I did not think I was in good shape. When I mentioned my walks at 3Km / h, she said that's fast. When I told her that I played golf on the WII (Woods 2010) and that I regretted it cause I spend the afternoon aching. She forbided me to play for another month. No muscular effort before another month (walking is good). Such an appointment helps to put things in perspective. It serves as a milestone. She boosted my morale for sure.
Santé!
Great athlete I don't know but she was nice. She said that normally after 6 weeks they expect to see patients who walk slowly, sit up slowly, speaks slowly. She felt I stood very straight (posture) with a near normal walk and a normal speaking rate. To all my questions on weight loss, the amount of faeces per day etc.. she replied "normal".
According to her, there will be another month like this and then it should start to return to normal. I told her that I did not think I was in good shape. When I mentioned my walks at 3Km / h, she said that's fast. When I told her that I played golf on the WII (Woods 2010) and that I regretted it cause I spend the afternoon aching. She forbided me to play for another month. No muscular effort before another month (walking is good). Such an appointment helps to put things in perspective. It serves as a milestone. She boosted my morale for sure.
Santé!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
We'll get there!
Lately I think I just forget who I am and my core principles. In the last month I was waiting for my energy to come back to feel good. It's as if I told myself when I have the energy I will make plans, smile, get involved.
This morning I listened to a recording of Dr. Simonton provided by my wife's doctor. This recording reminded me that the healing process is opposite to the one I was living recently. That is to say that this is not the body that dictates the level of energy of your spirit, but the opposite. I temporarily forgot that what my thoughts defined how I feel. I had an awakening, a kind of "Ha Ha" moment. This is not instantaneous but I did set a new foundation for my healing, some new thoughts.
I have no excuses for this but I realize now that I dreaded my first appointment post surgery with my hematologist Dr. L. I realized that I had mixed emotions. I was happy to see him because he always gives me confidence but I did not want to disappoint him by admitting that I was not ready for a round of chemo. At the same time I was afraid he would tell me it had to be done now. But Dr. L is a great doctor. I did not feel any pressure. I felt great compassion and from the beginning I felt that we were a team.
He told me the level of my markers: 3. He said it was excellent the lowest level since the beginning. He was happy with the situation except that I lose a lot of weight. He suggested I meet with the nutritionist to establish a plan. I have an appointment next Monday. I will see DR L. in two weeks to reassess the possibility of starting chemotherapy.
A former classmate of MJ has a brother who was diagnosed with brain cancer. He is followed by the same hematologist than me (coincidence?). This classmate told him about me because she follows my situation through facebook and my blog. Her brother said that my story inspired him and gave him hope. As he is hospitalized, MJ and I went to visit him yesterday. Even though I was not a portrait of energy, I wanted to tell him in person not to quit and keep the faith.
Today he is going for brain surgery. I prayed for him all night without being able to stop it's as if we had a cosmic connection. My mind was constantly thinking about him and praying. At the point where I did not get to sleep. I made up for it this morning sleeping from 10am to noon. I tell you this story because yesterday's visit put things in perspective for me.
Thank you again for all your support on facebook on the blog or in my email.
Santé!
This morning I listened to a recording of Dr. Simonton provided by my wife's doctor. This recording reminded me that the healing process is opposite to the one I was living recently. That is to say that this is not the body that dictates the level of energy of your spirit, but the opposite. I temporarily forgot that what my thoughts defined how I feel. I had an awakening, a kind of "Ha Ha" moment. This is not instantaneous but I did set a new foundation for my healing, some new thoughts.
I have no excuses for this but I realize now that I dreaded my first appointment post surgery with my hematologist Dr. L. I realized that I had mixed emotions. I was happy to see him because he always gives me confidence but I did not want to disappoint him by admitting that I was not ready for a round of chemo. At the same time I was afraid he would tell me it had to be done now. But Dr. L is a great doctor. I did not feel any pressure. I felt great compassion and from the beginning I felt that we were a team.
He told me the level of my markers: 3. He said it was excellent the lowest level since the beginning. He was happy with the situation except that I lose a lot of weight. He suggested I meet with the nutritionist to establish a plan. I have an appointment next Monday. I will see DR L. in two weeks to reassess the possibility of starting chemotherapy.
A former classmate of MJ has a brother who was diagnosed with brain cancer. He is followed by the same hematologist than me (coincidence?). This classmate told him about me because she follows my situation through facebook and my blog. Her brother said that my story inspired him and gave him hope. As he is hospitalized, MJ and I went to visit him yesterday. Even though I was not a portrait of energy, I wanted to tell him in person not to quit and keep the faith.
Today he is going for brain surgery. I prayed for him all night without being able to stop it's as if we had a cosmic connection. My mind was constantly thinking about him and praying. At the point where I did not get to sleep. I made up for it this morning sleeping from 10am to noon. I tell you this story because yesterday's visit put things in perspective for me.
Thank you again for all your support on facebook on the blog or in my email.
Santé!
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Patience is a virtue
I thought I was a patient guy, I am not so sure these days. The days are redundant, the same TV shows, the toilet routine, the medication. Always looking for a position: sitting on the sofa, lying on the bed, sitting on the bed with my legs crossed, yoga position (the child) with cushions under the belly. When my mind feels combative I get on the treadmill, 10 minutes @ 3 km / h, then I lie down on the bed again.
Although I eat my three meals a day, the quantities are small so I am now at 153 lbs. The lowest weight since my teen years. The good thing about it is that I can rebuild my body and I am sure that I will never return to what I looked like before cancer. It's been a month of convalescence, I was told it would take about three. I believe another month I'll be back to my normal energy level. Time will tell me.
See Ya!
Although I eat my three meals a day, the quantities are small so I am now at 153 lbs. The lowest weight since my teen years. The good thing about it is that I can rebuild my body and I am sure that I will never return to what I looked like before cancer. It's been a month of convalescence, I was told it would take about three. I believe another month I'll be back to my normal energy level. Time will tell me.
See Ya!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Back home
Since June 19 I'm back at home. I made a surprise appearance at the Relay for Life during the evening. Since then I rest a lot. The recovery will be lengthy, it is necessary process that I have to accept.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Success
I take a moment to inform you of the good news. Wednesday morning 8:30, Martin found himself in the operating room for surgery, a long-awaited moment.
Doc Y, accompanied by a good medical team, was ready for a long and delicate intervention that lasted 11 hours. They removed the cancerous masses, rebuilt the duodenum, took out part of the stomach, removed 51 cm of small intestine and 50% of the colon and ended with the HIPEC intervention . The doc has accomplished its mission, 98% of the cancer was removed, a total success.
Martin was then transferred to the intensive care unit for observation. I welcomed him by saying "You've won my champion, you are now in intensive care and everything went according to YOUR predictions, He responded with a huge smile. He could not talk, was still intubated but I could read his thoughts "I told YOU!". Nurses taking care of him turned to me and said "WOW we have never seen an conscious intubated patient as calm as he is and on top of it smiling! What an extraordinary patient" and I replied "Yes, yes, you're right he is a man quite out of the ordinary " This morning, after a short stay of 12 hours in intensive care, he was transfered on the surgery-oncology ward. The battle is not yet won, a long rehabilitation begins but knowing him, he would tell you tonight "Don't worry, watch me, I'll get there in no time" Speedy recovery my love.
We look forward to your return.
Your wife
Doc Y, accompanied by a good medical team, was ready for a long and delicate intervention that lasted 11 hours. They removed the cancerous masses, rebuilt the duodenum, took out part of the stomach, removed 51 cm of small intestine and 50% of the colon and ended with the HIPEC intervention . The doc has accomplished its mission, 98% of the cancer was removed, a total success.
Martin was then transferred to the intensive care unit for observation. I welcomed him by saying "You've won my champion, you are now in intensive care and everything went according to YOUR predictions, He responded with a huge smile. He could not talk, was still intubated but I could read his thoughts "I told YOU!". Nurses taking care of him turned to me and said "WOW we have never seen an conscious intubated patient as calm as he is and on top of it smiling! What an extraordinary patient" and I replied "Yes, yes, you're right he is a man quite out of the ordinary " This morning, after a short stay of 12 hours in intensive care, he was transfered on the surgery-oncology ward. The battle is not yet won, a long rehabilitation begins but knowing him, he would tell you tonight "Don't worry, watch me, I'll get there in no time" Speedy recovery my love.
We look forward to your return.
Your wife
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