In Between

Funny title, no?

This is the description that came to my mind when I wanted to write about the period I'm plugged into the bottle. I am writing this note because Marie-Josee looked at me this week, lying down, apathetic, asthenic, and she made the following comment: they don't really know what you're going through. "They" referring to all those who read the blog. I started to tell her that I had nothing interesting to say during those days or at least nothing positive. I would rather write nothing then write depressing things .
Then I thought for a bit and I told myself that this can still be interesting to know what happens during the days 1, 2 and 3 and sometimes 4 post-chemo. I know that I have described briefly the low energy that builds back up after a few days.

What I want to add today happens in between the ears. My brain, shortly after connecting to the bottle, has developed a pattern. It settles in a kind of soft cloud but at the same time not very comfortable (like a water bed, for 5 minutes you say wow that's nice, after half an hour you have backache). It's as if I have an out of body experience. I observe myself be soft and apathetic, heavy and slow. The majority of tasks require energy that my brain could force my body to do but it doesn't. It's as if it was saying "why should I get out of bed, it is not really necessary." It is certain that I'm spoiled by my entourage so there is a certain complacency. But my brain rationalises the behavior, I have to rest so I can recover quickly.
It's complicated, no. Get up, don't get up, rest, move your buttocks. There's this internal struggle during those three or four days. This intellectual rollercoaster projects an external image of depression. Marie-Josee watches me through a magnifying glass to see if it is temporary or if I will sink into despair. The reality is that I am certainly not the Martin you know during that period but I am not about to fall into real depression.

After the fifth round of chemo, sometimes I wish it would be over, that I'm cured. I would like to use my energy to live rather than survive. I'm not sure what I just said is clear. In any event, I reached the fourth day post-chemo, my brain is getting out of this cloud and it starts thinking about what to do during the period in which energy is better. Then, he realizes he has no time to do everything and must prioritize.

It's the fourth day, I am trying to prioritize ... write my blog, play with Elodie, play with the my boys, give a hug to my wife ...